just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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