4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
