i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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