White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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