if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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