Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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