You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
