Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
