The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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