No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
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