I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
