I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
