I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
