he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
