I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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