When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
