Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
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