Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
