Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
