i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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