If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
