shes about as inviting as chlamydia
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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