My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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