Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
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