He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I did not marry a roomba.
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