You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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