i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
