i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
