If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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