my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
