you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
