just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
