ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
