P.S. I can't hear my feet
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
