walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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