meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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