Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
