You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
