I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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