some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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