Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
