My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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