I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
She bit a glass in half.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize