where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
