The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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