Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
