I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
