conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
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