His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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