I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Randomize
