Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
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