I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
