We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
