I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
