i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
