it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
Randomize
