Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
