I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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