I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
