no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
