she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
