I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
