dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
home. puking in laundry basket.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize