If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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